My Paralyzed Heart

I didn't expect to become so paralyzed by the death of my father. I do have a testimony that I will see him again, I do know he is free from the discomforts of his mortal life, I know all these things. But I still need him!

In the beginning after he died, I dreamt about him every night for about 3 weeks. The dreams were mostly nightmares. One day I just yelled, "Leave me alone!" And leave me alone he did. My dreams of him stopped.

As time went on I heard my sister, my aunts, and other people say they had felt my dad's presence. I didn't. But I also knew why...because I had told him to leave me alone. One morning while sitting in sacrament meeting, I began to wonder if my dad was around me. At that very moment, a little toddler walked from the other end of the pew, holding a hymn book. She laid the book down beside me and turned and went back to her mother. I looked down and the hymn book was open to "Have I Done Any Good?" This was a hymn my dad requested for his funeral service. At that moment I knew he was there with me.

A few weeks later my mom and I were driving back from St. George. My mom was saying that she knew my dad was watching over me and my sister as we were struggling with being single women and all that entails. I told my mom in no uncertain terms that I didn't feel my dad was watching over me. My life had not been any easier and things were not looking any happier. That night as I slept, my dad entered my dreams again. He came into the living room. My sister, my son and I could all see him, but no one else in the room could. I took this as a sign, that at that time, he was watching over and helping the three of us.

Little things like these two stories, help me to feel my dad. I miss him so much. One of the greatest blessings of moving to Southern Utah is that my home is only about a mile from my dad's grave. A few times a week I go there to talk to him. It is very difficult for me not having a priesthood holder in my life anymore. My son Brandon holds the priesthood but he is in Sandy and my other son Justin holds the priesthood, but he is in Nicaragua. I do not have a husband to give me blessings of comfort and of strength. And now I do not have a dad to call upon. But when I go to the grave, I feel like he is there. wrapping his arms around me, giving me courage to face the day.



I do know that in time, I may begin to move a little easier, to feel a little more joyful, to find peace...but right now I just feel paralyzed missing him. I love you dad. You were my quiet presence and my gentle rock. I didn't know how hard it would be to let you go.